Nichole's Story
My adoption experience was both one of the hardest and most rewarding things
I have done in my life. When I was around seven months pregnant I decided
that I wanted my baby to have a stable and loving home to grow up in....
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Valerie's Story
When I found out I was pregnant, late last year, I didn't know what to do.
I already had a 2-year-old daughter and was going to college full-time. I
knew that I couldn't provide the home for this baby that it deserved.... » Read
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When I discovered that I was three months pregnant my first though was, "Can
I really handle the responsibility of raising a child without the birthfather?" Having
been raised in a single-parent home myself I appreciated how difficult it could
be. Both the birthfather and my mother encouraged me to have an abortion. They
said things like, "How can you raise a child by yourself?" and "How
can you afford it?" Ultimately, I had to come to the difficult conclusion
that I wasn't in a position to become a parent. I wasn't married, I didn't have
a steady job, the father had no interest in parenting and, at the time, I was
living at home with my mother.
Within a month, I started to investigate adoption agencies.
The agency that impressed me most was Adoption Connection.
I knew they did open adoptions and I felt that it was important
for me to meet and get to know the people who would raise my
child. A professional counselor showed me letters written by
prospective adoptive parents. She was always available to answer
questions and counseled me on what to expect once the adoption
was final. She made me feel at ease about my decision.
Looking over some of the letters, I selected the ones I thought
were the most interesting and began my search for parents for
my child. I called a couple, Susan and Dave*, and they wanted
to meet me. They were just as nervous as I was. We met at a
jazzy restaurant close to my house. They wanted to know about
me and I showed them pictures of my family. After dinner, Susan
offered to drive me home. I guess she wanted to chat with me
and get know me better.
Once I stepped into my house, my heart raced. I knew this
would be a very difficult decision. How I yearned to have children
of my own. I held my tummy to feel my child moving around.
My cat came into my room to grieve with me. He knew what I
was going through. Funny how cats sense human emotions!
On the evening of April 20, 1993, my new fiancée, Roger,
and I quickly drove to the hospital. As my labor progressed
he called Susan and Dave whom I wanted to attend the delivery.
My labor coach was there, too. She gave me comfort and helped
me to relax as much as possible. At 9:23 a.m. the next morning
my son was born and literally landed in Dave's arms!
About a week later, I made the decision to sign the final
legal adoption papers. Once the papers were signed, I felt
a bit of relief and, of course, some sadness and guilt. Susan
and Dave agreed to send photos and letters at least every six
months. We talked about visitation, but have not made any arrangements
at this time. I do think about my son often. And, as any birthmother
would feel, it's been hard to let go of something that is a
part of me. My grieving was more difficult than I expected,
but it allowed me some time to recuperate and begin to get
on with my life.
Roger has been very supportive of my decision. We would like
to have a family someday and have even planned to build a family
room in the studio where we live and work.
Cindy recommends the following resources for women
who are pregnant and considering and adoption plan for their
baby:
• Read about adoption. Cindy found Adoption: A Handful of Hope by
Suzanne Arms to be particularly helpful.
• Call Adoption Connection at 1-800-972-9225.
• Look into support groups and counseling for birthmothers.
When I found out I was pregnant my world began to spin out
of control. I had no idea who to turn to or what I was going
to do. I was only twenty years old, a full-time student with
no time for a job. I concealed my pregnancy from my family
and my boyfriend. Only my closest friends knew what I was
going through. My friends would ask me when I was going to
tell everyone and I would joke and say, "When I'm in
labor." But funny enough that's how it happened. My family
found out when I was in labor and my boyfriend found out after
my daughter was born.
I had considered adoption while I was pregnant, but not seriously.
It wasn't until my daughter was born and I started to weigh
all my options that my boyfriend, my family and I made the
decision to give an adoptive family a gift they had been hoping
for, and the life that my daughter deserved.
I found out about Adoption Connection while I was in the hospital
after I had given birth. A social worker there put me in contact
with the agency and I was sent several Dear Birthmother letters.
Adoption Connection was supportive in my decision and helped
me through all of it. The staff answered my questions and
eased some of my fears. They helped me through a time where
I needed the greatest amount of support.
When I first started to really think about an adoption taking
place I was nervous and a little scared. I wasn't sure if
I was making the right decision or not. But after I began
the process, working with the agency, and starting to think
about a family for my baby, I knew in my heart I was making
the best decision I could for that little girl.
Choosing a family was a tough decision, but after looking
over all the letters I finally came to one. The adoptive family
joined me in the hospital and we spoke for what seemed like
hours. Lisa, the adoptive mom, held my daughter for some time.
I knew then that I was making the right choice to place my
baby with her. I felt a definite sense of relief knowing I
was giving this couple such a beautiful gift, something they
were unable to obtain on their own. I knew my daughter would
have everything she would ever need or want. She would have
all the things I couldn't give her. Even though I have all
the love in the world for that little girl, and so does her
father, we knew we made the right choice.
The advice I would give women who are considering placing
a baby for adoption would be to be open with the prospective
adoptive parents. Don't be scared to want to know how your
child is doing. For me knowing how my daughter is makes me
happy and helps me continue to feel that I made the right
decision. This advice goes to prospective adoptive families
too. Don't be afraid to send pictures and letters. I truly
believe a birthmother wants some form of contact and to know
how her child is doing. To me it is a source of comfort and
happiness.
Now that my daughter has been placed I can see in the photographs
how happy she is. I know I could not have given my daughter
a better gift than bringing her into this world. The smile
on her face is enough. I wish for her and her family all the
love, joy and happiness in the world. I know they have all
of those things and more.
After Nina told me she was pregnant and wanted an adoption,
she no longer kept in touch. I knew I couldn't raise a kid
myself, so I went along with it. When she finally had the
baby, my friends were the ones who told me.
I was upset about a lot of things — like being left
out of the decision. Adoption Connection helped calm me down.
They gave me a lot of time to decide whether or not I wanted
to relinquish my rights.
When I met the adoptive parents I could tell how much they
wanted the baby. That's when I signed the papers. A part of
me wanted to keep the baby, but I'm starting to get good grades
in school and don't have a steady job. I'm too young and not
responsible enough to have a kid right now. I know my daughter
is in a good home with people who love her.
I really like kids and someday want a family, but right now I couldn't support
a child on my own. The baby's mother and I haven't had much contact recently,
and I feel like I'm somewhat on the back burner. So I was glad to hear from
Adoption Connection that an adoption plan is happening because someone will
take good care of the child. Also, Adoption Connection will be my contact for
finalizing everything and keeping me informed about what's happening once the
baby is born.
I'm not sure how much I'll want to stay involved after I relinquish
my rights. I'll get involved as much as the parents want me
to. I'd like to help out with biological information and my
background, but I don't want to step on anyone's toes. I just
want whatever's best for the child.
My adoption experience was both one of the hardest and most rewarding things
I have done in my life. When I was around seven months pregnant I decided that
I wanted my baby to have a stable and loving home to grow up in. I was able
to look over many couples "profiles" and even meet with a few of
them. I found a couple rather quickly and I felt comforted during such a hard
time in my life.
They met with me a few times where I lived, and I even went
to see their home when I was around eight months pregnant.
They were with me during my labor and delivery and gave me
much needed support. While this was a very hard time for me,
nothing can beat seeing the look of joy and happiness on their
faces!
My daughter is almost nine months old now, and we all stay
in contact. We talk on the weekends and I get pictures from
time to time. I have gone to their home and visited and they
have seen me where I live also. I will be seeing her again
soon and can't wait!
I love the birthfamily and Rosie very much. Whenever I see
a picture of Rosie's smiling face, I am glad that I went with
"open" adoption. The adoptive parents, Toni and
David, are awesome parents and I know Rosie is going to grow
up to be a good person. The entire "adoption triangle"
is a very unique and special relationship for everyone involved.
I know that for me, it has been very gratifying and grows
stronger everyday.
Making the Decision
When I found out I was pregnant – late, last year – I didn't know
what to do. I already had a two-year-old daughter and was going to college
full time. I knew that I couldn't provide the home for this baby that it deserved.
I decided on hiding my pregnancy from my family and the baby's father because
I had first planned on having an abortion. But every time that I picked up
the phone, or I drove by the clinic, I never had the courage to make an appointment.
Time went by, I still hadn't told anyone, and I was seven-and-a-half months
along.
The birthfather had moved back to San Diego after we broke
up and we had kept in touch over the months via email. Although
I always wanted to tell my daughter's father that I was pregnant,
I was afraid of facing his rejection a second time. Finally
one night (after my first doctor's appointment and ultrasound)
I decided that I had to tell him the truth. After I told him
the news of my pregnancy he was shocked that I had waited so
long. I explained to him how I had been contemplating abortion
and how I was afraid of the rejection and pain I had already
been through.
That night we discussed adoption and we both felt that it
was the best thing that we could do for our child. When I told
my parents I was pregnant they were disappointed that I had
waited so long to tell them about it but they both were supportive
of my decision to place the baby for adoption.
Creating an Adoption Plan
I had done a search on the Internet about adoption agencies and came across
Adoption Connection's website. I loved that they had information on the process
of adoption and had profiles of couples on their website. I started to look
through profiles and found a couple I was interested in contacting. I told
the birthfather about the website and he looked at it and found a couple
he was interested in contacting. So I called up Adoption Connection and told
them about my situation and how I was interested in contacting two couples.
It turned out that the couple I liked was expecting a baby of their own,
but that the couple the birthfather liked was very interested in getting
in contact with me when I was ready.
That night I emailed the couple (Tony and Audrey*) and told
them about me: what I liked to do, my family life, basic information
so they could get an idea about who I am. They emailed me back
soon after, telling a little bit more about themselves and
telling me that when I wanted to I could call them. The first
time I talked to Audrey we talked for four hours. It felt like
I had known her forever. They already had a son who was going
to be four years old who they had adopted, which made me comfortable
knowing that they had been through the experience before and
knew what to expect. They told me that they were comfortable
with any level of an open adoption that I wanted and would
respect my decision. After our phone conversation we decided
that my daughter and I would come and visit them the next weekend
since they lived about two hours away from me.
Meeting the Adoptive Family
My first visit with Tony and Audrey went great. Their son and my daughter got
along well and played together as the three of us got to know each other
a little bit better. They told me how they met and showed me their wedding
album, family pictures and even a book they had made for their son about
how he came into their lives. We all went out to dinner and then they took
me to their favorite place to get dessert. When we returned from dinner we
talked more about their experience with their son's adoption and how they
had been trying to adopt a second child.
Tony and Audrey were very open with me about how they felt
it was important for adopted children to know where they came
from and who their birthfamily is. It was also reassuring to
see how open they were with their son about his adoption, and
how excited he was to be a big brother. I knew that I had found
the parents that I wanted my child to have.
The Birth
The day I went into labor I called the family and they drove down to be present
for the birth. I wanted them to be there in the birthing room to experience
the birth with me. They arrived at the hospital just as I was going through
serious contractions and was ready to start pushing. At 4:58pm on May 15,
2003, I gave birth to a healthy baby girl who we all agreed to name Alyssa
Marie. I was the first to hold her and I knew that I was doing the best thing
for her by allowing Tony and Audrey to adopt her. I had time to be with her
by myself and we all left the hospital at the same time. I felt so at peace
with my decision and knew that I was helping complete a family.
A week after I gave birth I decided on signing the relinquishment
papers. The birthfather had already signed his papers and we
had both decided on having a post-adoption contact agreement
(Kinship Agreement) made up for each of us. I decided that
I wanted to have pictures sent to me, the ability to email
and call, and some visits. We all knew that we were probably
going to have more contact with each other than was stated
in the agreement, but we put the minimum times in the agreement
for legal purposes and because I might feel that I don't want
that much contact as the years go by.
Although the birthfather decided that he was not ready at
that time for any pictures or visits we added in the agreement
that if/when he requested them Tony and Audrey would adhere
to the agreement that we worked out together.
Moving On, Yet Staying in Touch
It had been almost two months since I had giving birth and I was going to be
visiting a city near where Tony and Audrey live. I called and asked if it
was okay for me to visit; they were so happy that I wanted to come. I was
very nervous about visiting and kept on wondering if we were going to feel
different around each other now. They were so excited I was there and asked
me if I wanted to hold Alyssa. I held her and gave her her bottle. They told
me how grateful they were to me and the birthfather and how great a baby
she is. Seeing how happy they were made me feel so great. They even invited
me to come back and stay they weekend as soon as I got the chance.
The birthfather and I still keep in contact with each other
and have seen each other when I was in San Diego on vacation.
We both feel that our decision was the right one and we feel
that Tony and Audrey appreciate and respect us.
Advice
It's a hard time after the baby's birth for birthmothers. My advice for birthparents
going through this experience is to seek support from friends or family,
and to seek counseling. I started counseling before the birth and it helped
me prepare for the feelings I would experience at the hospital and when I
came back home. Counseling has also helped me realize that it is normal for
me to feel sad or to feel overwhelmed.
I recommended birthparents and adoptive parents read the book
The Open Adoption Experience by Lois Ruskai Melina and Sharon
Kaplan Roszia. This book helped me understand what feelings
I might be experiencing and also what the adoptive parents
might be going through. It also discussed what the child would
be going through as they grow up. It is a good book to read
to get the perspectives of all the parties involved in an adoption.
My advice to adoptive parents is to make sure that you let
the birthmother/birthfather know how thankful you are, reassure
them and let them know how they can be a part of the child's
life if they choose to.
* Some names in these stories have been changed in order to protect confidentiality.
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