Once adoptive parents have successfully made a match with
a birthmother, they begin planning for the big event -- the
day they will bring the baby home. But many are unprepared
for the intense roller coaster of emotions they experience
during the baby's birth in the hospital.
"Labor and delivery are very emotional for everyone," says
Randie Bencanann, co-director of Adoption Connection. "The
birthmother generally experiences some sadness, and the adoptive
parents often don't know whether to be happy or sad. While
they are thrilled to have a baby, they feel the birthmother's
loss. They also fear that shemay change her mind. There are
a lot of feelings to balance all at once."
The best way to handle this stressful time is for adoptive
parents to prepare themselves ahead of time, says Bencanann. "We
advise people to sit down with the birthmother in advance
of labor and make a delivery room plan, acknowledging that
she is the patient and that giving birth can be an awkward
and painful experience for her," says Bencanann. For
example, it helps to discuss who, if anyone, will be in the
labor and delivery room with the birthmother and when she
would like to sign the hospital release form and place the
baby with the new parents. "Some birthmothers see the
adoptive parents as a support and want them to hold the baby
right after delivery, while others want labor to be a more
private time," Bencanann points out.
Even with a delivery room plan, adoptive parents need to
be prepared for some ambiguity. "Most birthmothers have
never been through labor and aren't prepared for the emotions
of the experience." says Bencanann. "Expect the
unexpected." The birthmother may want to show the baby
to family and friends. That doesn't necessarily mean she's
going to keep the baby, says Bencanann, it just means that
she's proud. "The best thing you can do is be flexible
and have your spouse, a friend, or a relative there to support
you."
Parents also need to anticipate that hospital personnel
may be insensitive to the process or simply uninformed about
adoption. Patience and flexibility and even a sense of humor
may come in handy. Usually a hospital social worker is alerted
to the adoption in advance and will be available to provide
support and clarity to the situation.
Generally the birthmother and the baby are discharged from
the hospital about the same time, sometimes the birthmother
leaves first, and sometimes she leaves with the adoptive
parents after signing the hospital release form. According
to Bencanann, "some birthmothers want to say good-bye
to the baby on their own in the privacy of their hospital
room."
Relinquishment generally happens a few days after parents
take the baby home and the birthmother has had a chance to
recuperate. It's important to remember that both the birthparents
and the adopting parents need to allow themselves time to
adjust to the enormous change the baby has brought to their
lives.
Pat Rose is a writer in San Francisco.
©1998. Adoption Connection. All Rights Reserved.
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