Q: When a potential birthmother calls Adoption Connection,
what questions do you ask her?
A: First, we try to learn a little about her situation. We ask why
she's considering adoption, where she lives, how far along she is in her pregnancy,
and whether she's getting any prenatal care. We also ask if she's working,
and how she's supporting herself. Other things we like to know are her age,
her marital status, and whether she has other children. We ask about the birthfather:
what kind of relationship she has with him, whether he knows about the pregnancy
and adoption plan, how he feels about it. Often, we ask directly if she has
used any drugs or consumed alcohol during her pregnancy. We also ask whether
there is anything important in her medical history that we should know about.
After the initial phone conversation, we send a package of forms, including
a release so that we can talk to her doctor. The forms also include questions
about her background and family, many of which are similar to the questions
you as adopting parents answered in your homestudy.
Q: If a birthmother chooses to speak to me after
Adoption Connection shows her my Dear Birthmother letter,
how much will I know about her before we talk for the first
time?
A: Your adoption worker will give you all of the information
we already have except for anything the birthmother has chosen to keep confidential.
Q: What questions should I ask a birthmother once
I'm in touch with her?
A: Beyond expressing your concern for her and listening
to what she wants to say, you don't need to ask anything specific that
doesn't naturally come up in the conversation. Your initial contact with
a birthmom should set a friendly, warm, and accepting tone. It is important
for you to avoid making a birthmom feel interrogated, especially during
your early conversations with her. You will not usually get all of the
answers you want about a birthmother right away. Remember that Adoption
Connection staff can ask the difficult questions, while you work to establish
a trusting relationship so that she will feel comfortable sharing more
information about herself as time passes.
Q: What will a birthmother be likely to ask me?
A: Most birthmothers don't ask many questions about
the adopting family, so you might like to ask her what she wants to know
about you. Tell her about yourself and the region where you live, what
your neighborhood is like, how you decided to adopt, and what you do
for a living. A birthmom will also appreciate hearing about your family's
life, hobbies, and personality. It is also okay to acknowledge any nervousness
that you feel in talking to her; she probably feels the same way. It's
likely that neither of you have had this sort of experience before, and
you'll all be playing it by ear until you are more comfortable. Again,
your main goal is to establish a tone of friendship and trust, and for
both you and the birthmother to get to know each other over time.
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