For most people the road to adoption has many twists and
turns. Beginning the adoption process can mark a time of
significant life change and transition, which may lead to
uncertainty and worry. It's important to remember that no
matter how strong your emotions become during the process,
the end result is a very positive one - a new baby and a
growing family. Adoption Connection offers services to help
families through the tough times with support, a shoulder
to lean on, and good advice from professionals who have been
down the road many times.
"It is natural for prospective adoptive parents to
have concerns," says Randie Bencanann, co-director of
Adoption Connection. "After a period of experiencing
the loss of their own fertility, they are entering an unfamiliar
process with an unknown cast of specialists and experts to
guide them. It can be overwhelming."
Potential adoptive parents may be afraid they won't find
a birthmother, or if they do, that she will change her mind.
They may worry about the baby's health and whether he or
she was exposed to drugs. They also may wonder whether they
can trust the people they will meet along the way. Will anyone
- lawyers, birthmothers, out-of-state or international agencies
- try to take advantage of their deep desire to become parents?
"What actually happens," says Lynne Fingerman,
co-director of Adoption Connection, "is that birthmothers
have almost all the same fears. They too worry about making
a match. They wonder whether anyone will want to adopt their
babies and they fret about finding a family that will love
the baby as their own. Both birthparents and adoptive parents
come to the experience with feelings of loss, a sense of
vulnerability and concerns about trusting each other. They
have far more in common than they realize."
Along the path there might be serious disappointments," says
Bencanann. "A particular situation might fall through,
but a few months later the right one will come along. Adoption
continues to have a very successful outcome."
Taking the first step
" Our decision to adopt was all wrapped up in figuring out how to deal with
infertility," says Josh, the father of three-year-old Zoe. After the deep
disappointment of spending several years preoccupied with miscarriages and doctors'
appointments, Josh and Martha decided to look at adoption as an alternative way
to start their family.
We were still engaged in the fertility process when we saw
a brochure for the annual RESOLVE adoption conference at
Mills College. We were overwhelmed with information - myths
vs. facts, plus information about resources and current adoption
options," says Martha. "Until then we had assumed
that it was impossible to adopt a non-addicted infant domestically."
For about a year, as Martha describes it, they would take
one step forward and then stall. "Figuring out whom
to work with and writing our letter to potential birthmothers
were huge issues," she says. "We were still dealing
with our frustration, our anger and our disappointment about
infertility, so it was stop and start."
"I'm a linear business type and I had a lot of concerns
about the mystery of the process," says Josh. "It
seemed complicated, so I tried to manage my nervousness by
understanding everything, all the details. I came away feeling
that adoption is a process like infertility - one without
much control."
Martha experienced the process differently. "There
was lots of good information available, but we needed to
sort it out and assess the quality of the resources and providers." Once
the couple got through the sorting process and wrote their
letter to birthparents, it took six months to be connected
with Zoe's birthmother. "We were blessed. She put a
lot of thought into her decision-making and took really good
care of herself. She thought of her child as a gift to us.
Once we were in the process, it worked out very well," says
Martha.
Josh and Martha connected with Adoption Connection for their
homestudy, but found that the agency, with 15 years of experience,
was able to offer much more, including facilitating their
out-of-state adoption and providing helpful workshops. "Adoption
Connection consistently kept on top of the situation and
helped move things along with their experience and sensitivity," says
Martha.
"In retrospect I can see that our hesitation was about
reorienting from trying to have our own baby to adopting," says
Josh. "I've come to understand that a lot of our concerns
had to do with giving up the idea of having a biological
child."
The homestudy process
" People looking at adoption are often worried about the homestudy," says
Bencanann. "They're afraid they won't pass, that their home isn't big enough,
or that there is some sort of skeleton in the family closet. They might be insecure
about their age, their looks or whether they have enough money."
Daniel, a chemist in Silicon Valley, and Ellen, an occupational
therapist, also came to adoption after years of dealing with
infertility. "We were concerned that the homestudy would
be an invasion of our personal and family life," comments
Ellen. "It seemed emotionally risky because we would
have to be open about our infertility."
They found that working with Adoption Connection for their
homestudy was one of the most comfortable aspects of the
process. "The homestudy was not at all as difficult
or challenging as we anticipated," says Ellen. "It
was a matter of sitting down and having a cup of tea with
someone who's going to give you a lot of support."
According to Bencanann, the homestudy process is an inclusive
one. "We're looking for good, solid, stable parents,
not perfect parents," she says. "We are looking
for people who are comfortable becoming parents through adoption." There
are no policies or specific standards regarding finances
or the size of one's home, but adoptive parents are expected
to be financially secure enough to provide for a child.
Making a match
One of the most anxiety-provoking parts of the process for both adoptive parents
and birthparents is "making the match." The birthmother wonders
whether she will find the right family, one whose values are compatible,
one that will want what she wants for her child. Adoptive parents want a
healthy baby whose birthmother feels comfortable enough with them to entrust
her child to them forever. It's no surprise that everyone concerned is nervous.
"At the beginning of the process, when each side is
assessing the other, we encourage them to decide for themselves
if this is the right match," says Fingerman.
Eve, the birthmom of a 17-month old girl, became concerned
about finding the right family for the baby after reading
many "Dear Birthmother" letters that she felt weren't
compatible. Adoption Connection worked with Eve to find families
that more closely matched her desires. When the right letter
came along, and she spoke with the family, Eve really felt
a connection. "During our first conversation, we talked
for two hours," she explains. "We gave it a day
and decided to meet. It was clear that they were the ones."
"Many birthmoms are concerned about meeting a family
that will love the child as they would," says Bencanann.
Adoption Connection makes every effort to help them find
that family."
When a match falls through
Once the match is made, a big fear on each side is that the other side will
pull out of the agreement. The few sensational, high profile cases that have
made the news put this concern near the top of everyone's list.
It happened to Ellen and Daniel more than once. Two birthmothers
decided to parent their children and a third baby had been
exposed to drugs. "We were really discouraged. We just
wanted to become parents. After all that, we were afraid
that birthmothers were just going to change their minds.
We felt very vulnerable," says Ellen.
Adoption Connection was there for them during the rough
times. The agency connected Ellen and Daniel with other prospective
adoptive parents who had similar experiences so they could
share their disappointment and frustration. "Adoption
Connection kept abreast of our needs and pointed us to resources
like the California Teratogen Information Service and Clinical
Research Program at UC San Diego, which specializes in drug-exposed
babies," says Ellen. The couple's persistence and commitment
paid off when Adoption Connection called to say they had
found a good match. Now Ellen and Daniel are the proud parents
of two-year-old-Hannah.
Ellen and Daniel love being parents and are now in the process
of adopting again, but even after two very positive years
they are experiencing some of the same fears they had the
first time around. "Feelings creep up that have nothing
to do with reality. You have to remind yourself that these
are raw emotions and put them in the background," she
says.
Finding perspective on a rough road
At one time or another nearly everything possible went wrong for adoptive moms
Karen and Kathy. They were so close to one adoption that they attended the
baby's birth, only to have the birthmother change her mind. In another situation
they matched with an out-of-state birthmother whos demands for money quickly
escalated.
"Our comfort level with the situation was not high,
so we flew back east to check it out," says Kathy. They
discovered that they were being intentionally deceived financially. "It
confirmed all our worst fears," says Kathy. Although
the couple lost another match, taking control of the situation
and checking out the birthmother for themselves made it easier
to walk away from the situation.
Adoption Connection came through for Karen and Kathy, providing
support and mediation on their two-year journey to adopting
their son, Ben.
"There's chronological time and then there's heart
time. We kept having our hearts wedged more and more open
until we were ready to be parents," says Karen. "From
the beginning we felt that our child was out there, moving
to meet us as we were moving to meet him."
From their difficult experiences, Karen and Kathy caution
others to heed warnings about situations that might be suspect. "It's
easy to feel so desperate about becoming parents that you
want to believe, but you need to take action to allay your
fears," says Kathy. "It's important to respect
yourself and your child because you are going to have to
tell the story to your child someday."
Karen reminds other potential adoptive parents to take the
time for reflection during the adoption process. "It
gets so noisy and hectic that it's easy to lose your inner
voice," she says. "Adoption is a journey. Ours
tested us, and we emerged a lot stronger and more ready to
be parents."
For Karen and Kathy, Ellen and Daniel, and Josh and Martha,
that journey was made a lot easier with the help of Adoption
Connection. The couples took advantage of the staff's skills
to help them solve problems, give advice on possible situations,
and evaluate their risk.
"The fears of prospective parents are not unfounded
fantasies. Situations do go awry and occasionally become
difficult," states Adoption Connection's Fingerman. "The
twists and turns of the adoption process can generate intense
emotions. When that happens, we're here to calm the situation
down and keep things moving forward toward the goal of becoming
a new family."
Ellen Newman is writer who lives in San Francisco.
©2002. Adoption Connection. All Rights Reserved.
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