Rituals have always been used to signify a change, a rite
of passage, or to mark a transition in the life of a person
or community. Although they are often interwoven with religious
traditions a ritual can be anything that symbolizes and celebrates
a life change. We mark birthdays, baptisms, bar/bat mitzvahs
and weddings with a special ceremony, so why not an adoption?
The transfer of parental rights from one family to another
in an open adoption can be bittersweet. The birthmother is
giving up her role as caregiver while the adoptive parents
are gaining a new family member to love and nurture. The
role of a ritual - or entrustment ceremony - to honor this
event has become more and more prevalent as adoptive and
birth families feel empowered to create open and trusting
relationships.
Making a Plan
Just as each adoption unfolds differently, each entrustment
ceremony is unique and can be tailored to fit the needs of
the birth and adoptive family. Janina Nadaner, an experienced
therapist and consultant, has worked to create entrustment
ceremonies with birth and adoptive parents for many years.
She feels that a ceremony can be an important ritual of healing
for the birthmother, while also signifying the shift of parenting
responsibilities. "The ceremony should emphasize that
the two families are now creating a new, extended family
connection which will forever honor and respect the birth
mother's biological bond to the child."
Janina stresses
that a ceremony should be directed as much as possible by
the birth mother and her family, but can be
orchestrated by an adoption professional, clergy member or
adoptive parent if it suits the situation. Most ceremonies
will include the presence of the birth mother and selected
family members of her choosing, along with the adoptive parents
and the baby. Where and when it takes place will differ,
depending upon what feels right for the two families. Poems
or religious passages may be read, or perhaps both the birth
and adoptive parents speak about their hopes and love for
the baby. Everyone present should have a role in the celebration,
however small. Just like with all festive rituals flowers,
food, candles, wine and meaningful music can all be a part
of the ceremony.
There is no right or wrong way to plan an
entrustment ceremony. Although birth parents may suggest
it, often the adoptive
family or adoption professional recommends the idea. When
Karen and Chris Easton suggested the idea of creating one
with Denise, their son's birthmother, they were hesitant
about what her reaction to the idea would be. The Eastons
met Denise just a week before their son Jonah was born. Prior
to meeting the couple, Denise had been working with another
adoptive family who backed out of the match at the last minute.
Denise was reticent to trust another family, but when the
Eastons suggested the ceremony, Karen says, "things
really started coming together for Denise. Having something
for Denise to plan was comforting during the tough time at
the hospital, and I think it was a big part of why our adoption
went forward."
Before the ceremony took place the Eastons
videotaped Jonah's
birthmother holding him and saying her goodbye on camera
(she had said a private good-bye the day before). The family
brought in a local pastor to lead them in a few readings
and the Eastons shared an oath and a commitment to raise
Jonah in a strong and loving home. Flowers were exchanged
and Denise's mother and friend were present to witness
the ceremony.
For the adoptive family the ceremony secured
the feeling that Jonah was "officially" their son and legitimized
the adoption process. "I felt like Denise was saying
her goodbye and we were saying hello. I think if we had just
left the hospital with the baby [without the ceremony], it
would have felt strange. It made the adoption feel official,
kind of like a marriage."
The Ritual Unfolds
Eric and Robin Goffney originally planned on a ceremony at
the hospital as well, but plans changed when Shelly, their
daughter's birth mother, had an unexpected Caesarean
section. Much of her family wouldn't be able to make
it. They decided to meet at the birth family's home
the day after Shelly was released from the hospital when
her extended family could participate. Shelly and her mother
were able to develop and frame pictures of the baby taken
at the hospital, as well as images of family and friends
to display around the house. The birth grandmother ordered
a sheet cake with four candles for the four days of life
their daughter had had. Eric says, "We called it a ‘Celebration
of Life' so it wouldn't take on a religious tone,
and it really was a celebration. The family had put together
family heirlooms for us to take home for Madison, including
Shelly's silver baby rattle."
The Goffneys knew that Shelly
and her family were private people, so instead of speaking
publicly at the party they
decided to give her a letter that they had written the night
before. "We didn't want to embarrass her or make
her feel uncomfortable at the party but we wanted to let
her and her family know how thankful we were for them and
how much we loved our daughter," says Eric.
Bobbie and Eli
Havens and their birth mother Ashlee waited until two weeks
after their daughter's birth to host
a ceremony. It coincided with the signing of Ashlee's
relinquishment papers, making the adoption legally binding.
Bobbie says, "We decided to incorporate the emotional
sign-off with the legal sign-off. It felt like a good decision
for everyone because leaving the hospital was such an emotional
experience for all of us. After we left I held Faith and
cried all the way from Fresno. I know that the two weeks
gave Ashlee time to grieve and have her own space too."
During
their ceremony Ashlee gave the adoptive family her hopes
for Faith's future and the couple welcomed Ashlee
into their extended family. The Havens family presented their
birthmother with a special bracelet that was inscribed with
the words "Faith, Hope and Courage," which matches
one Bobbie wears as well.
Take the Long View
A ceremony or party is not going to be appropriate for every
adoption and Randie Bencanann, Co-director of Adoption Connection,
feels that adoptive parents can do little things in the hospital
that can make an adoption go smoothly. "Whether you
send flowers to the birth mother or have her family participate
at the hospital in feeding the baby, there are things you
can do to create a feeling of trust and ongoing tradition… things
that you can tell your child about later on."
Bill and Danielle
James suggested such a ceremony to their daughter Cassandra's
birth mother. Danielle says, "We
talked before the birth about something small we could
do at the hospital, but basically she never got back to us."
The birth grandmother wanted to be the first to hold Cassandra.
The James family felt that making it easy for her to have
this time with her granddaughter was a way to show their
respect for the emotional process that the family was going
through. "We were able to find a little room next to
the nursery where a rocking chair would fit so that she
could
have some quiet moments with Cassandra and be the first
to hold her."
"Think about your lifetime raising your child
versus this birth family's contact in the first few days
or weeks
after an adoption" says Danielle James. "Stay
calm, be generous and take the long view" is her advice
on bringing up the entrustment ceremony and dealing with
emotional ups and downs at the hospital and after the
birth.
An Event to Remember
When Bridget chose to place her son with Erik and Christina
Eberhart she was hesitant to go forward with an entrustment
ceremony at the hospital. "I was initially scared and
only agreed because Erik and Christina wanted to do
one. But it turned out to be very powerful for me." Since
the Eberharts are Catholic they brought in a member
of
the clergy to say a few words during the ceremony.
Bridget
would definitely recommend a ceremony to other birth
mothers. "It doesn't have to be religious, whatever
helps the adoptive parents is going to help your
child. They
are the ones who will be nurturing the child and
telling him or her about the adoption."
Her advice to birth
mothers is, "Be open-minded to the adoptive parents' ideas
and just let them plan
it if you feel scared and overwhelmed." She also
felt that taking pictures and videotaping the event
was
a good idea.
Ellen Roseman, adoption facilitator,
has hosted numerous entrustment celebrations. She always
suggests
that
adoptive parents offer the idea of ceremony to
the birthmother
when appropriate. Ellen says, "When adoptees
start to ask
questions about where they come from they want
to taste, touch, and feel as much of the early
stuff
as they
can. Having a video or pictures of the entrustment
creates
a legacy of
caring and love for the child."
The Eastons agree
that they wouldn't have had the feeling of closure if it
were not for the
ceremony.
They feel
good knowing that as their son gets older,
having the photographs
and video to show him will lead to positive
feelings about his adoption and his birth family.
The entrustment
ceremony can be a ritual that benefits both the birth and
adoptive families.
Just as importantly,
it
can show the growing child that his or her
adoption was a deeply loving choice based
on a conscious
decision by the
birth mother.
If you would like more help
planning a ceremony of your own call Adoption Connection.
Written by Leah Sheldon
© 2005. Adoption Connection. All Rights Reserved.
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