A lot has changed since De Stewart-Otto decided to post
her "Dear Birthmother" letter on the Internet back
in 1997. She and husband Steve were six months into their
adoption process and had received only a few contacts from
prospective birthmothers when she says they decided to "put
our fears of unknown and unexpected birthmother calls aside
and put our letter online." Because De and Steve's professions
already revolved around Internet technology they easily created
their own "Dear Birthmother" website and began
running it from their home at a low cost.
Five years and two successful adoptions later De is a staunch
supporter of open adoption and using the Internet as a tool
to connect adoption triad members. She runs her own non-profit
Web site called www.dearbirthmother.com to help prospective
birthparents and adoptive parents find each other and get
the information they need.
Empowering Prospective Birthmothers
Using the Internet has given prospective birthmothers the opportunity to research
adoption laws in their state and look for an agency to work with, as well
as find adoptive parents. De says, "Birthparents today have a tremendous
benefit because they can look at hundreds of profiles." By finding adoptive
families that they have a strong connection with, birthparents will be more
satisfied with the adoptive parents they choose.
The Internet can also be good place for birthparents to
start their search for information. They may feel apprehensive
about calling an agency because they may be unsure of the
adoption process or are worried about confidentiality at
home. Adoption Connection has completed several adoptions
with birthmothers who emailed a family directly after they
saw their "Dear Birthmother" letters on our Web
site. Lynne Fingerman, co-director of Adoption Connection,
is pleased to see that families of all kinds have gotten
a lot of interest in their on-line profiles. She says, "I
feel really good that as an agency we can provide this service
to same-sex families as well as heterosexual couples and
singles."
Email can also be a great tool for a prospective birthmother
who may have specific questions for a family but is not quite
ready to take the next step. Keeping a distance through the
use of email can be less overwhelming and intimidating as
a first level of communication. De and her husband actually
matched with a birthmother even before talking to her on
the phone but she says this is very unusual. Randie Bencanann,
co-director of Adoption Connection, says birthmothers also
can get written information easily through email. More and
more Adoption Connection sends literature to prospective
birthmothers who are considering adoption but aren't ready
to speak with a professional on the phone.
birthparents can also find support from others going through
the process through the use of mailing lists and on-line
forums. Sites like www.adoptionforums.com and www.adoption.about.com
helps birthmothers make connections with other birthparents.
Bencanann says, "It is important that a birthparent
gets the support she needs throughout the adoption process
and after the baby is placed with the adoptive family. Often
a birthmother will find great support via the Internet from
others who have experienced the many powerful emotions that
occur during the adoption process." Bencanann also stresses
that this form of support still doesn't take the place of
professional counseling by an agency or adoption professional.
Adoptive Parents Link Up to the Web
By using the Internet prospective adoptive parents can benefit in the same
ways the birthparents do. De Stewart-Otto says, "By having email be
the first communication with a birthmother you can compose a response in
the comfort of your home. You don't have to feel instant pressure or nervousness
on the phone." The Internet is also low in cost compared to placing
advertisements in national publications or sending out a mass mailing. De
says that many Web server providers will create your Web page for you. Adoption
Connection gives clients the opportunity to post your "Dear birthmother" letter
on our Web site. It is included among the other services for clients enrolled
in our outreach program.
Posting such a letter on the Internet isn't for everyone.
Making the leap may suddenly seem like the entire world knows
about your adoption plans. If you feel as though you are
not sure how to proceed with a birthmother who has contacted
you remember that Adoption Connection can offer you advice
and guidance. Bencanann says, "Every situation is unique
and adoptive parents will all have a different level of tolerance
for on going frequent contact. Email contact can be equally
overwhelming. They should seek out the agency's advice when
they are trying to develop an email relationship with a birthmom."
Tips for Creating an Online "Dear Birthmother" Letter
Get Real-Whether it's for the Internet or written on paper, writing a generic
birth- mother letter is a thing of the past, says Stewart-Otto. Both birthmothers
of her children liked her online letter because it was descriptive and included
little details about her family's life together. Says Stewart-Otto, "Adoptive
parents have to find a way to stand out from the crowd and you've got to
be real." Find a birthmother who likes you because of your similarities
and it will create a stronger match.
Keep It Simple-You don't have to be a computer genius to
put together a clear and interesting letter online. Stay
away from any files that are big and time-consuming to download,
including needless graphics and big picture files. "Don't
use music," says Stewart-Otto, "What if she is
at her community library and is worried about confidentiality?"
Link-Up-By working with a few different search engines and
Web sites your letter will get more exposure. Go over your
budget and see how many sites you want to invest in. Look
into becoming a featured site for a month and staggering
your enrollment with Web sites so that you'll be at the top
of the list some of the time.
Know Your Limits-Prospective adoptive parents should not
take on the role of a therapist or counselor. As in any relationship
with a birthmother, if she needs a lot of emotional support,
always refer her to Adoption Connection to get counseling
and speak with an adoption professional. Fingerman says, "If
a birthmother continually delays getting in contact with
an agency, it make me wonder if the situation is real." Be
cautious when responding to online situations that would
require you to make an immediate financial or emotional commitment.
This may be a red flag. Always ask Adoption Connection for
advice and support. Stewart-Otto says, "Stay away from
chat rooms; they are not very productive. Instead join forums
where everyone who is contributing messages must give information,
sign in and register. This way you know who you're talking
to."
No matter whether you decide to use the Internet for information,
referrals, research or to locate a good adoption situation,
it is only one tool among many. Find your comfort level and
use it when you feel it is appropriate.
Written by Leah Sheldon
©2003. Adoption Connection. All Rights Reserved.
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