Before a family decides on what type of adoption journey to embark on they will ask themselves many questions: Do we adopt an infant domestically in an open adoption? Would we rather adopt an infant, toddler or older child through the foster/adoption public system, or from another country? By researching the different options many families sort out what will be most important for them in their adoption process, and how these decisions will affect their extended families and their children as they grow into healthy adults.
No one adoption process is right for everyone and Lynne Fingerman, co-director of Adoption Connection, says, “Many families ask us for advice on what is the ‘easiest’ or ‘best’ way to adopt… I have to tell them there is no best way! What every family must decide is what is best for their individual family.” Each adoption process will fit the adopting families’ individual strengths and personalities depending on what is most important to them.
For some families how a child comes to be adoptable plays a vital role in their choice of adoption journey. In the domestic process birth families voluntarily relinquish their role as parent and a healthy infant in the United States usually has little problem finding a loving home. The families who adopt these children almost always know the circumstances that lead the birthmother to make such a decision and can tell their child that story.
In contrast, children outside the United States, in developing countries, may have few resources or little hope of long-term care. Mary Ann Shui and her husband Phillip successfully adopted one of their daughters from China. The deciding factor for their decision, Mary Ann says, came down to “basic needs... here we have welfare, public funding and charity. In places like China, the government relies on families to help their own. Chinese give quite extensively within their family network, but charity to strangers is a very foreign concept.” Debbie Parelskin, Adoption Connection’s International Program Coordinator, agrees. “A large part of the international fee goes to care of the children in the orphanage and also provides opportunities for those children who, unfortunately, are never adopted.”
Another important deciding factor for families is how much biological information is available to them at the time of the adoption placement. In a domestic adoption adoptive families will receive medical, biological and social history of the birth family along with prenatal records. (How much will differ from adoption to adoption.) Since the adoptive family is often participating in an open adoption they can also ask the birth parents specific questions and gain knowledge through the time they spend together before and after the adoption takes place.
When Miguel Rosales and Allison Hyde began looking into adoption they were drawn to open adoption because they liked the idea of having as much biological information about the birth family as possible, and the opportunity to remain in contact with the birth family: an open adoption. Regarding their son’s adoption Allison says, “We have been able to establish a wonderful relationship with our birthmother, being present at the birth, and knowing that Emiliano will be able to know his biological roots.”
In international adoptions, children have lost ties to their biological parents, usually having been orphaned or abandoned. Although international adoption allows families to decide on a specific age range, ethnicity and gender of their child they will not be able to maintain any relationship with the birth family after the child is home in the United States. Adoptive parents may be aware of the region their children were originally from while others remain in contact with the foster family or orphanage caregivers. When a family receives a referral for a child they will usually get a copy of a current medical report from their foreign adoption agency or facilitator, but it is often incomplete or inaccurate. Families should be aware that children adopted overseas will have limited or unknown biological, medical and social histories — except for very rare cases. Families adopting internationally also need to be prepared for certain medical conditions, delays in motor -or speech development, and attachment issues that could arise with children who had previously been institutionalized. It is recommended that families have the child’s medical report reviewed by medical professionals who specialize in foreign pediatric records of adoptable children.
There are unknowns in a domestic adoption as well, including the sex of the baby and the infant’s health at birth. The most frightening unknown is whether the birthmother will go forward with the adoption after the birth of the baby. The fear of the birth mother changing her mind before the adoption is complete may be too high an emotional risk for some families. This can be especially difficult when a relationship has already been established. This happened to adoptive mother Beth Van Story who matched with a birthmother who changed her mind about an adoption plan for her unborn baby. Beth says, “In domestic adoption the lack of control, and having situations fall through, was more than frustrating. It was disheartening and emotionally very difficult.” Although her first failed adoption rekindled her interest in the international process, she did eventually meet the right birthmother and adopted her daughter domestically in California.
Uncertainties are also present in international adoption where the two governments play a large role in how smoothly the process moves. Sometimes due to political events or changes in regulations the foreign country may close their adoption program without warning. This may cause families to switch countries, or wait until the country opens its borders again to foreign families. In 2004, the Chinese government put a hold on all adoptions when they diagnosed the SARS virus in several Chinese cities. Until the government felt the virus was under control they stopped foreign families from getting approval to travel. This unexpectedly slowed down the adoption process in China for several months.
Desie Mehrabian and her husband Mark adopted their son from Russia in 2002. Currently in the process of adopting their second child, they are having difficulties with delays in Russia the second time around. Desie says, “Dealing with the two governments (the U.S. and Russia’s) is frustrating. In Russia, you do what they tell you [update forms, notarize documents, etc.], but many times there is no answer to why we're doing it.”
Time and money also play a role in how adoptive families grow their family. Although both processes can range widely in cost – from $15,000 to $35,000 – domestic adoption tends to be less expensive on average because there are usually less administrative and travel costs. Both domestic and international adoptions can take anywhere from six to twenty-four months before a family brings their child home. In international adoption it will depend on the country from which the family is adopting and their laws and requirements. In domestic adoption the wait time to take home a baby will be less defined. A family will adopt a baby when they have connected with a birth family that has voluntarily placed with them. Families should consider how much uncertainty they can live with in their adoption process. Although international adoptions may be more expensive the family will probably have more of a structured timeline for placement. In the domestic process families may not know exactly what the total cost will be until they find the right birth family, but it may be much cheaper and a shorter timeline in the long run.
Lesbian and gay families have additional factors to consider when weighing their options. Most foreign countries have specific guidelines and policies to inhibit same-sex families from adopting. Nevertheless, some families do overcome these challenges and complete their adoptions internationally. Because of these stringent regulations, more and more same-sex families are pursuing, and successfully completing, domestic adoptions with birth families who are open and excited to place their child with them. Approximately 15% of Adoption Connection’s domestic families consider themselves gay or lesbian.
Making a Choice
So how do families decide? Every individual family will make a personal decision. Desie Mehrabian says that in both types of adoption there will be pros and cons. She tells families to “think about which compromises you can live with. Definitely talk to as many people as you can, go to information sessions and conferences, talk to friends, co-workers and neighbors who you know have adopted already. Check out parent groups, websites, agencies for adoptive families, and magazines focused on adoption.” Your personality could also play a role in the type of process selected. Lynne Fingerman mentions, “Do you work better with a more detailed timeline, or is your personality a little more ‘go with the flow’? It could affect which process suits you better.”
Adoptive families should reach out for the support they need. To cope with the uncertainty and stress of her family’s adoption Mary Ann Shui would “write down a note to myself regarding our reason for choosing to adopt so I would not lose sight of the big picture in the midst of the overwhelming logistics.” Adoption Connection also recommends that families attend orientations and workshops so that they can gain adoption knowledge, talk about their feelings, and meet others who are going through the same process. Randie Bencanann, Adoption Connection’s co-director, says, “Some families may feel like they are all alone and their feelings of worry are not being experienced by other people navigating the adoption process. Speaking with an adoption professional, or another family who is struggling with the process, can be reassuring and relieve stress.” We are also available to meet with prospective adoptive parents struggling to make decisions about what kind of adoption is right for them.
Families should keep in the back of their minds that, no matter which adoption process they choose, if they stay positive and persevere, they will be successful at completing their family through adoption.
Written by Dana Washington & Leah Sheldon
© 2006. Adoption Connection. All Rights Reserved.
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