Once you've made the big decision to adopt a baby, how do
you begin your search? As the six hundred families who have
successfully adopted children through Adoption Connection
know from experience, there is no perfect blueprint for making
a match. Although luck and the universe do play a part, Adoption
Connection has developed several effective strategies for
bringing birthparents and adoptive parents together. These
include writing a "birthmother letter" or brochure,
personal networking and advertising, and participating in
Adoption Connection's outreach efforts on behalf of clients.
Birthmother Letters
One of the most important elements in the search is the "birthmother letter," which
gives adoptive parents the opportunity to represent themselves to birthparents.
The letter paints an appealing picture of the perspective parents' lives, including
basic information, family philosophy and lots of pictures.
Adoption Connection staff members are available to guide
and support adopting parents through the process of creating
this important document. "It can be very intimidating
to create a piece like this. It's essentially a resume promoting
the fact that you want to be a parent, and that's uncomfortable
for a lot of people," says Rachel Breuer, outreach coordinator
at Adoption Connection.
Networking
For Jamie and Lisa Conrad personal networking was the key to finding their
adopted daughter, Taylor. "We were incredibly lucky in this process.
Things just fell into place," says Lisa. "I'm not shy, so I told
everyone I knew that I wanted to adopt." That included friends and acquaintances
with teenage daughters who might know about teens who were pregnant. After
more than nine months of networking, Jamie's mother discovered that an acquaintance
at her country club had a grandson whose girlfriend, Amber, was pregnant.
Amber, a single mom with a toddler, felt she could not care for another child.
After the match was made, Adoption Connection processed
all of the paperwork and counseled Amber through the process. "She
got to meet a lot of our family at the end of her pregnancy
while she stayed with us," says Lisa. "Her parents
are divorced, and I think it meant a lot to her to see first-hand
how close we are to our families." Since Taylor's birth,
the two moms have kept in touch by phone, and when Taylor
was three months old, Lisa took Taylor to visit Amber. Lisa
hopes to adopt again.
"At least 40 percent of all adopted babies are found
through the adopting parents' own networks," notes Lynne
Fingerman, co-director of Adoption Connection. "People
don't think they are likely to know someone who would be
putting a baby up for adoption. One of the reasons networking
is so successful is that you already know someone who knows
the potential birthmother. That means you have a personal
connection right up front."
Advertising
Fred and Susan Ingle decided to use Adoption Connection's advertising pool
to find their baby. They had already adopted one child and felt they didn't
have time to do their own networking or prepare their own ads the second
time around. "We wanted to try Adoption Connection's advertising pool
to save time and to try something low-key," says Susan. "We got
a call within two weeks after the ad ran." The out-of-state birthmom
saw Adoption Connection's ad in Rolling Stone magazine and contacted
the agency. She was sent a stack of letters and brochures from prospective
parents and selected Fred and Susan. "She told me that she had always
heard horror stories about adoption, but the ad appealed to her," says
Susan. "The chemistry was there when we first talked, just like it was
with my son's birthmother."
Adoption Connection's advertising pool includes an ad that
runs four times a year in national publications such as US, Rolling
Stone, and New Woman, as well as in regional
papers. Clients can choose to participate in the advertising
program for an additional fee. "Each time Adoption Connection
receives a call from the ad, we send letters and brochures
from participating couples and individuals. We've been getting
a good response from the magazines and newspapers we advertise
in," says Breuer. "It's very cost-effective for
families trying to adopt. It costs as much for prospective
parents to place one ad on their own as it does to participate
in the ad pool, which reaches four to six publications over
three months." Answering an ad placed by an organization
like Adoption Connection is also an attractive option to
some birthmothers, who feel more comfortable dealing with
an intermediary than calling an adopting couple directly,
which can be intimidating.
Hospital Referrals
David and Mary Nakanishi had no contact with the birthmother of their adopted
daughter Grace. The birthmother, who walked into a local hospital during
the Christmas holidays last year and delivered her baby, told hospital staff
that she wanted to put the baby up for adoption. The hospital called Adoption
Connection, who in turn alerted David and Mary on New Year's Eve. "We
called Adoption Connection back right after the holiday and told them we
were interested," says Mary. "Apparently the birthmother had left
China for an arranged marriage in the States that didn't work out. She wanted
to make a new life for herself and didn't want contact with the baby after
the birth." David and Mary, who had been conducting their search on
the west coast by mailing brochures to friends, lawyers and doctors, spent
the following weekend borrowing and buying baby supplies. "Luckily my
sister has two kids and had saved their baby stuff," says Mary. The
couple picked up baby Grace on January 5, just five days after the initial
call.
For David and Mary everything worked smoothly. They were
saved from the anxiety of waiting and worrying that the birthmother
might change her mind. "It would have been nice to meet
her, but we respect her decision to remain anonymous," says
Mary.
"Adoption Connection has good relationships with local
hospitals. We love getting referrals from hospital social
workers because then someone has seen the birthmom, knows
her health, and knows she wants to adopt," says Fingerman. "The
downside is that once the baby is born, both birth and adoptive
parents have very little time to think through and evaluate
their decision, which can be very stressful. You have to
be willing to jump on the situation and rush to the hospital.
It can be very intense."
Yellow Pages
Scott and Emily Smith found baby Sam's birthmother through Adoption Connection's
ad in the Yellow Pages. Emily, a clinical social worker who works in the
adoption field, said it was important for her to go to a reputable agency
like Adoption Connection for their homestudy, a required document that allows
parents to adopt. "The majority of our calls from prospective birthmothers
come from our Yellow Pages ads," says Breuer. "We're in 27 books
throughout Northern California. If the birthmom is interested, we'll send
her information about Adoption Connection and the adoption process and request
medical information from her. If requested, we'll send birthmother letters
right away."
Scott and Emily's first meeting with birthmom, Dina, was "like
going on a blind date that affects the rest of your life," says
Emily. The meeting went well, she says, because Dina knew
exactly what she wanted for the child. "She liked knowing
that we already had an adopted child, our son Abe, who knew
he was adopted and would be able to help explain adoption
to her baby when he was old enough," says Emily. "She
already had one child and felt, because of her circumstances,
that she had to place this baby."
Mass Mailing
Patty Hagen and David Kerr decided to use a mass mailing to find a birthmom.
In addition to their own personal contacts, they purchased a mailing list
from the Spectrum Data Company, and also gathered lists of midwives, pediatricians
and obstetricians from the Internet. They designed their birthmother cover
letter and four-page brochure to include nine color photographs. After mailing
them to 3,300 addresses, their match came from an obstetrician's referral
in Los Angeles. The birthmother, who had seen a lot of other letters from
potential parents, told the couple that the large selection of photographs
they included helped her get a better sense of who they were. "If I
did this again, I would go to the Internet for all of my lists, instead of
buying a list," says Patty. "You can get great lists, like all
the obstetrician/gynecologists in the state of California, from internet
services like ‘Big Yellow.'"
The Internet
De Stewart Otto and Steve Otto have also been using the Internet to supplement
their search for a child. De created an adoption web page, which she registered
with a number of search engines like Yahoo and Web Crawler. She also linked
her page with major indexes such as www.adopting.com. "The link is free
unless you opt to be a featured site, which costs $100 a month," says
De. "We've had about 250 hits every two weeks from being a featured
site on adopting.com." The couple had a match from the web page, which
unfortunately did not work out.
If you don't know how to create your own web page, says
De, there are services available to help. "When you
create a web page you can write as much as you want and include
as many pictures as you want -- you're not limited to a two-page
brochure," says De. " It's a really economical
way to extend your search because you can reach such a large
number of people."
"If we knew the exact formula for matching birthmothers
with adoptive parents, we'd have a 100 per cent success rate," says
Fingerman. "But I do believe there's a correlation between
the amount of active involvement prospective parents spend
looking for a baby and the time it takes them to make a match.
The more creative and active you are, and the more willing
you are to try different strategies, the faster you'll find
a baby."
*Some names have been changed in order to preserve privacy. Pat
Rose is a writer in San Francisco.
For more information about the search process, call
Adoption Connection at 415-359-2494.
©1998. Adoption Connection. All Rights Reserved.
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