Twenty years ago, open adoption was an unfamiliar concept. Arranged by an agency or another intermediary, adoptions were often cloaked in secrecy. Birth parents had little or no say about what happened to the child they placed for adoption, and adoptive parents had limited-if any- information about their child's medical or family background.
Today, almost the opposite is true. More and more people are choosing open adoptions. "Everyone benefits in an open adoption, especially the child," says Lynne Fingerman, Co-director of Adoption Connection. "Children have an innate need to feel connected to their roots. The more information adoptive children have about their history, the less likely they are to feel that something is missing in their lives."
Navigating New Water
In closed adoptions, children typically have lots of questions— Where did I get my blue eyes? Does my other mom ever think about me? What will I look like when I get older? In an open adoption, parents have answers to questions like these, but they also have an entirely new question to contend with, namely, what role do I want my child's birth parents to play in our family's life?
Fingerman finds that adoptive/birth parent relationships in open adoptions fall along a continuum. Some people choose to exchange pictures and/or letters once a year, while others see or call each other on a regular basis. "No one can really say how much contact with birth parents is critical to a child's development. It may be enough to simply meet your child's birth parents and to have pictures and other basic information to share with your child," says Fingerman. "The most important thing adoptive parents can do for their children is to talk openly about adoption and to provide them with a sense of history."
According to Randie Bencanann, Co-director of Adoption Connection, most birth parents don't want to intrude or interfere in an adoptive family's life, nor do they want to co-parent. Birth parents generally tend to move on with their lives because they marry, start school or go through another life transformation. "It's not unusual for adoptive parents to call me asking for a birth parent's address and phone number. They really care and want to keep in touch, for their sake as well as their child's, says Bencanann.
Bencanann compares the relationship adoptive parents have with their child's birth parent to the kind of relationship one might have with an in-law. "Some people find it difficult to get along with their in-laws. Others get along incredibly well. Each family's situation is unique," says Bencanann.
The following stories illustrate just how tricky negotiating adoptive/birth parent relationships can be and how bringing in adoption professionals, like the counselors at Adoption Connection, can help.
From Strangers to Extended Family
It was July 1991 when Lindsay and Vern first learned of Edwyna, a single mother who was three months pregnant. Two months and numerous phone calls later, Lindsay and Vern Paxson boarded a plane to Southern California to meet the birth mother of their adopted child-to-be. "We talked about things most people talk about when they're getting to know each other," says Vern, "but we also talked at length about what would happen once David was born." The conversation became tense, however, when Edwyna and the Paxsons couldn't agree on how often to visit once the baby was born. Tensions didn't ease until they all spoke with a counselor. "When reaching a rough spot, an experienced adoption counselor can be a neutral third party who helps both parties understand each other," explains Bencanann.
Lindsay and Vern felt their relationship with their birth mother improved even more after witnessing the baby's birth. "It was such an incredible experience," recalls Lindsay. "Our relationship with Edwyna was cemented right there and then."
Edwyna calls her adoptive family several times the following week and every month or so after that. She also made plans to visit the Paxsons on David's first birthday. When the time came, however, Edwyna called to say she couldn't make it. The family didn't see Edwyna again until David turned four, but continued to keep in touch through letters and phone calls. Today, they keep in contact occasionally.
The family's experience with Carleen, the birth mother of their second child, was very different. The families only had a brief two weeks to get to know each other. Plus, Carleen told the Paxsons she didn't want to have any contact once the baby was born. "Carleen was afraid it would be too hard for her to see or hear about the baby, but I just kept letting her know how much we wanted to keep in touch," recalls Lindsay. Eventually, Carleen changed her mind and asked to receive letters and pictures in the mail.
The first week or two following Leah's birth, Lindsay and Vern called her several times and Carleen called the family to let them know where she was living. "After two months, Carleen stopped calling. The last pictures we mailed to her came back ‘return to send,'" says Vern. "We don't know where she is, but we think about her often and wonder how she's doing."
As her children get older, Lindsay worries that Leah may be disappointed if she doesn't get to know her birth mother, especially since knowing Edwyna has given all of them a greater understanding of who David is and where he came from. "We've all come to love Edwyna and Carleen and feel they're part of our family," says Lindsay. "Even though that's not what I thought I would want or imagined would happen, I'm really glad it has.
Learning from Experience
With three adoptive children, Sarah and Peter Goldberg are well versed in the joys and complexities of open adoption. For their children's sake and their own they have made a commitment to maintain a relationship with each birth parent for the rest of their lives.
In 1985, Sarah and Peter met Karen, the birth mother of their first child. At the time, information about open adoption was scarce. Nevertheless, they agreed to an open adoption because they wanted their child to know where he came from.
For the next month Sarah and Peter spoke on the phone and visited Karen numerous times. "I was surprised at how attached I got to Karen," recalls Sarah. "I was disappointed when Karen told us she didn't want any contact for the first couple months following the birth."
Sarah's feelings changed, however, when Karen decided to call six weeks later. By that time, the new family had bonded with their baby and had to tell Karen they weren't emotionally ready to see her. "Our relationship became strained at that point, so we turned to a counselor for help," says Peter.
Their counselor helped turn their relationship around. "The issues unsetting Karen didn't have as much to do with adoption as they did with other relationships in Karen's life, and it really helped Peter and me to know that," recalls Sarah. The adoptive family has since come to view Karen as an important part of their family. They continue to talk and visit several times a year and have met Karen's family.
Sarah and Peter's first open adoption didn't quite prepare them for what they encountered during the adoption of their second child seven years later. Claudia, the birth mother, was in her teens and lived in another state.
When the baby was born, the couple made a verbal agreement to see each other once a year, as well as to talk on the phone and exchange letters occasionally. Soon Claudia was calling and wanting to talk for hours. She would also shop up periodically to visit without an invitation or much notice. Once again, Sarah and Peter turned to a counselor for help. "Claudia has wonderful qualities, but she needs a lot of attention. The counselor helped us realize that we needed to set limits with Claudia and avoid trying to 'fix' her," says Peter.
Less then two years ago, the family adopted their third child. They learned about the baby the day he was born. Wendy was undecided about adoption and spent the next five days with Sarah and Peter before deciding to go ahead with the placement. When she left for her home Sarah and Peter were the new parents of a baby boy.
For the next year the adoptive family kept in touch with Wendy through letters and phone calls. They didn't meet again until the baby's first birthday. "It was a very special, but loaded time. You have these very poignant and ambivalent feelings mixed together. It helps if you have someone to talk to," says Sarah.
Sarah and Peter continue to send Wendy letters and pictures, but have only heard from her a couple of times. Nevertheless, they continue to remind Wendy that they are there if she needs them, just as they are for the birth mothers of their other two children.
*Some of the names in this article have been changed in order to preserve privacy.
Adoption Connection meets with families at any stage in their child's development if questions or challenges about relationships with birth families arise.
Written by
Kathryn Hallgren
© 1998. Adoption Connection. All Rights Reserved.
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