Leslie Foge,
MA, MFCC, is a therapist and lecturer who has spent much
of her career helping birthmothers find strength and resolution
in their choice of adoption. She recently spoke with Adoption
Connection about her experiences with working with women
who are considering adoption.
For a woman coming to terms
with an unplanned pregnancy, the first step in her decision-making
process often involves
a visit to a clinic, hospital or pregnancy center. When she
walks through the clinic doors to get a pregnancy test she
may bring feelings of personal responsibility and fear of
being judged by the professionals, as well as her own values
of what parenting, family and adoption mean to her.
Adoption
can be a very beneficial solution but it is often seen as
a last resort option for women who don't feel
ready or able to parent, or to parent another child. More
and more woman are choosing to create something called an
"open" adoption,
one where the birth parent(s) and the adoptive parent(s)
work together to create the type of relationship that will
work best for the two families and the adopted child.
Leslie
Foge sees women in Walnut Creek office who are trying to
make the best decision for themselves and their child's
future in her private practice. They may be considering placing
their babies in adoptive homes.
Adoption Connection asked
Leslie: How can professionals assist these women to make
the best choice for them? How can they
help pregnant women understand all their choices? She states,
"Presenting all three pregnancy options in a neutral atmosphere
is the
first thing" Leslie insists if professionals can give
a woman a neutral and supportive atmosphere to weigh her
choices for an unplanned pregnancy she will feel more compelled
to think about all her options; parenting, adoption, or termination
of the pregnancy. Leslie also says that some women initially
have great resistance to considering adoption because of
their feelings of personal responsibility. Women may want
to automatically decide that they must parent this child
because it is the only way. She says, "I try to convey
the idea that really looking at all your choices is a way
of being totally responsible. There is nothing wrong with
putting on different pairs of shoes to see which ones fit.
You may surprise yourself."
Putting It Down on Paper
Professionals can assist pregnant women in weighing their
options by helping them put down on paper what is important
to them. That way they can really see where their values
lie and what impact a child will have on their lives. Leslie
suggests having a woman write out a list of values that are
very important to her for example, having family support
if she decides to parent, finishing school, feeling psychologically
and financially ready to raise a child and then prioritizing
the list in order of importance.
If a prospective birthmother's
highest value is to finish high school and go on to get more
education and training,
then parenting a child is going to negatively affect this
goal. On the other hand, if her highest value is that babies
should always stay with their biological mothers, then adoption
will not be a strong choice.
By getting this values list
down on paper a woman considering her choices can take the
list with her and can look it over
from time to time as she weighs her options. Perhaps her
values and goals will change, but her first impressions may
be a guide as her decision takes shape.
Choosing Adoption
Women who decide to proceed with an adoption plan will need
a lot of support, whether it is from a trusted friend, a
family member, the birth father, a counselor, or an adoption
professional. "birthmothers need love and care and
should be selective in choosing who to tell about their adoption
plan" says Foge. She suggests that a birthmother seek
out the support of reliable friends and family early, so
that she will have an idea of who will be able to give unconditional
support when the going gets tough. "Down the road a
birthmother may experience strong feelings, fears and concerns,
and it will be easier if she knows who will support her all
the way through the adoption process," says Foge.
Adoption
Connection also works with the prospective birthmother
to help choose the adoptive family. The birthmother looks
at letters and pictures of many different families
and first chooses a few that she feels she may have a connection
with. After that the birth and adoptive families may talk
on the phone, e-mail, or meet in person. In the early phase
of this contact the birthmother and the adoptive couple
she has selected make a decision about who will parent the
unborn baby. This is called a "match". "How
the process goes and what level of contact is involved is
different for every adoption," says Randie Bencanann,
co-director of Adoption Connection. "As adoption professionals
we are here to make sure the process is going smoothly and
that there are always open lines of communication."
Adoption
Connection also makes sure that the birthmother gets the
support and counseling she needs throughout her
pregnancy and after the baby is born. "We talk to the
prospective birthmother about her rights, about hospital
planning, and what kind of post-adoption contact she wants,"
says Lynne Fingerman, co-director of Adoption Connection.
An
Open Adoption Means an Open Door to Communication
Choosing to create an adoption plan is never going to be
effortless for either the birth or an adoptive family. Foge
reminds birthmothers that, "Adoption is not a fly-by-night
decision and is not made out of a place of weakness, but
from a place of real strength. It can be a loving and responsible
choice."
Written by Leah Sheldon
(This article is based on an interview
with Leslie Foge, MA, MFCC. She is a therapist, lecturer
the co-author of The
Third Choice: A Woman's Guide to Placing a Child for
Adoption.)
©2004. Adoption Connection. All Rights Reserved.
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