By the time their first child was four, Cecilia London and
Stan Shields had experienced two painful miscarriages and
were diagnosed with secondary infertility. Rather than continue
medical treatment, Cecilia and Stan turned to Adoption Connection
for help expanding their family. "Adoption seemed the
best answer. Neither of us wanted to go through the pain
of yet another miscarriage," says Cecilia.
According to the National Center for Health Statistics,
secondary infertility---defined as the inability to conceive
or carry a pregnancy to term following the birth of one or
more children— is even more common the primary infertility. "We
see many couples like Cecilia and Stan who choose adoption
because of secondary infertility," says Lynne Fingerman,
co-director of Adoption Connection. Fingerman and her husband,
Dan, have firsthand knowledge of the problem. Thirteen years
ago, they adopted a baby girl after experiencing three tubal
pregnancies following the birth of their biological son.
Initially, adoption brought up issues and feelings Cecilia
and Stan did not experience with the birth of Jessica, their
biological child. "We met the birthparents just a week
before our son, Andrew, was born," says Stan. "Things
were a little tense at first, because we were dealing with
their feelings and needs as well as our own." Adds Cecilia, "I
was very nervous, especially when we were in the delivery
room. It felt strange to watch another woman give birth to
our baby."
Cecilia and Stan began to relax once Andrew was home and
the birthparents had signed the relinquishment papers. Today,
Andrew is a happy, healthy five year-old whose worldview
includes a 10-year-old sister, his mommy and daddy, and his
birthparents. "When Andrew's birthparents come to visit,
they spend time with both of our children. It's like the
kids have another aunt and uncle to love," says Cecilia.
Because Andrew and Jessica happen to share many physical
traits, people usually think they are biologically related.
For Fingerman's children, the opposite is true. "When
our daughter was small, people used to ask me where she got
her blonde hair. My reply would depend on my mood and who
asked the questions," says Fingerman. Once their daughter
was old enough to answer such questions herself, Fingerman
and her husband helped her develop responses she felt comfortable
with. They also pointed out traits she shared with them and
other family members.
All things considered, Fingerman says raising an adopted
child is pretty much the same as raising a biological child. "Parents
have to talk to their kids about all sorts of issues as they
grow up. When one of your children is adopted, adoption is
just one more issue to discuss." Fingerman adds that
parenting has been different the second time around for her
mainly because her children are unique individuals with different
personalities and needs, not because one is biological and
the other adopted.
The same holds true for Cecilia and Stan. "Of course,
we notice certain traits that Andrew gets from his birthparents,
like his athletic ability, but we also notice other traits
he definitely gets from us," says Stan. "either
way, it's up to us to help him develop his talents to their
fullest potential, just as we strive to do with our daughter."
Adoption Connection often refers new parents to support
groups offered through Parents Place, a family resource center
located downstairs from Adoption Connection. They also put
clients in touch with other adoptive parents who want to
start their own support groups. "The groups offered
through Parents Place are geared toward new parents in general,
but some of our clients prefer to be in a group with others
who have adopted and can relate specifically to what they
have experienced," explains Bencanann. "Initially,
they talk a lot about adoption-related issues, but as their
children get older, they focus on more general parenting
concerns."
Parents with adoptive children two to five years old may
be interested in Raising Adoptive Children, a four-week workshop
offered through Adoption Connection. The group meets weekly
to discuss everything from how to talk to children about
adoption to how to interact with birthparents. "Parents
in this workshop provide each other with a lot of moral support.
Some even continue meeting once the course is over," says
Becanann.
For more information about the Raising Adoptive
Children workshop or for help finding a parent support
group in your area, please contact Adoption Connection
at 415-359-2494.
©1998. Adoption Connection. All Rights Reserved.
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