Knowing what
and when to tell children about adoption doesn't come
naturally for most adoptive parents. Many worry they will
say the wrong thing or that their child won't be able
to handle the information. One thing is certain, however,
the better prepared you are, the easier it will be to talk
to your child about adoption.
"Talking about adoption is a
process that builds over time. You needn't tell your child
everything at once," says Lynne Fingerman, co-director
of Adoption Connection. "What you say and how you say it will depend on
your child's stage of development. Be guided by your child's responses
and questions."
You can prepare yourself for the questions and issues that
will inevitably come up about adoption by understanding what
information
your child can comprehend
and interpret at each age, starting with infancy on up through young adulthood.
Infants
and Toddlers
"Children should know they are adopted before they can even
understand what it means. The earlier you introduce the subject
through books or conversations,
the more comfortable they will be with adoption as they get older," says
Fingerman.
Starting early also gives you a chance to practice talking
about adoption and to resolve any fears and conflicting feelings
you may
have surrounding infertility
or bonding with your child.
"If you are confused or afraid to talk about adoption,
your child will sense
it
when he or she gets older and may think there's something wrong with being
adopted," says Fingerman. "You need to be comfortable with the subject
so your child feels at ease with his or her adoption."
Arnold and Shelly Weinstein,
adoptive parents of four-year old Lili and six-year old Levi,
began reading children's books about adoption to Levi and
Lili
when they were just infants. They also showed them pictures of their birthfamilies.
"When
I was reading to Levi, I would tell him that he was adopted
just like the little boy in the story," says Shelly. "I would
also point to photos
of his birthmother and say this is Kande. I didn't try to explain who she
was. I just wanted Levi to be able to put a face with a name as he got older."
Preschoolers
Like most children, Levi learned that babies come from a
woman's tummy when he was three or four. Armed with this
new knowledge, it was only natural
for Levi to ask Shelly if he was in her tummy.
"I told Levi that I couldn't have
babies because something was wrong with my tummy and that
he came from Kande's tummy," says Shelly. "He
then he put two and two together the way small children do and asked if he was
born full of sugar because he came from Kande's tummy."
Shelly and Arnold also
told Levi and Lili stories about how they became part of
their family, including what happened when they were born
and why Kande chose
adoption.
"Levi couldn't get enough of the stories. He wanted to hear
them again and again," says Arnold. "He also knows that Kande
cares about
him but couldn't afford to give him a good home. So far, it hasn't
been an issue. Being adopted seems pretty natural to him."
Levi's fascination
with hearing how he became a part of Shelly and Arnold's
family is typical of three and four-year olds, says Fingerman.
It is part of
their need to belong. Many parents find it helps to write down their child's
story in a baby book or lifebook that includes pictures of their family and
the child's birthparents.
"The best way to make children feel like they belong
is to let them know you love them and that they will always
be an important part of your family," says
Fingerman.
Early Elementary
Around age five or six, children start to understand what
it means to be adopted. They may notice that they look
different than other family members, or their
friends may ask questions about their "real" parents. "Now
is the time to explain that ‘real' parents are the people who take
care of you," says Fingerman.
You can also use other types of families as examples
to help explain adoption, notes Fingerman. "Most children have friends from
divorced families that
include stepparents and siblings who don't live with them. Understanding
that there are many types of families will help reassure your child."
Getting
to know other adoptive families can also help. The Weinsteins
attend family picnics sponsored by Adoption Connection and
get together with friends
who have adopted children, including Shelly's sister. Such activities give
adopted children the chance to make friends with other children just like
themselves.
Late Elementary
By age seven or nine, children become aware that most parents
keep their babies, and adopted children may feel angry
or rejected that their birthparents
gave
them away. Some children worry that they did something wrong to make their
biological parents leave. Reassure your child that this is not the case.
Explain that adoption
is an act of love and that your child's birthparents chose adoption because
they wanted the best for their child.
"It is important to acknowledge your
child's feelings and to answer all questions no matter
how difficult they may be," says Fingerman. "Let
your child know that you love him or her and that he or she will always be
an important part of your family."
Adopted children in this age group who
have not met their birthparents often start fantasizing about
meeting them. Two years ago, Julia and Don Hichen's
daughter Annabelle asked to meet her birthmother, Kelly. Up until that point,
the nine-year old had been content to exchange letters and pictures.
"We're
very fond of Kelly and told Annabelle it was fine with us
if they met. Then she changed her mind and said she didn't
want to meet Kelly," says
Julia. "We just go with the flow and follow Annabelle's lead. She
usually lets us know what she does or doesn't want to know about her birthmother."
Now
11, Annabelle sometimes fantasizes that her birthmother would
never yell at her or make her do homework. Julia realizes
that Annabelle's comments
are a normal part of child development and tries not to take them too personally.
"Fantasizing
about different parents who would let you do anything you
want is normal, even for children living with biological
parents," says Fingerman.
"If
you have an open adoption, you can diffuse the some of the power of these
fantasies by giving your child concrete information about his or her birthparents,
even
if it's just a picture or a few letters. Without this information, your
child's imagination does not have boundaries."
The Teen Years
Adolescence is the time when children must develop a sense
of self and prepare to enter adulthood. Their job as teenagers
is to put together the pieces
of their identity – past present and future – to create an independent
person.
"Children in open adoptions have access to crucial pieces
of their history, such as physical and other inherited traits.
Such information can
make it
less frustrating
and easier for adopted children to form a healthy identity as they get
older," says
Fingerman.
Your teen's thoughts and feelings will continue to change,
almost daily at times, not because he or she is adopted,
but because your child
is a
normal teenager. Like any parent, biological or adoptive, you can help
your teen
grow into a successful adult by focusing on his or her strengths and
talents and
continuing to be open, honest and supportive.
©
1999. Adoption Connection. All Rights Reserved.
« Back to Newsletter
Archive
|
